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You re done, and you ve still got decades in front of you, provided
you don t do anything stupid. Which I m starting to think walking
across the country to find a complete stranger really was.
The words cut because they were true. Shame drove Sullivan s
gaze down, his cheeks flaring with heat as he tried not to let the
direct accusations get to him. He d allowed his journey to become
everything to him, because thinking about the alternatives would
have stopped him in his tracks. There was nothing overtly wrong
with being discharged with honor, especially in light of his
injuries, but everyone he knew would be aware of the specifics.
Every time they looked at him, they d see the failure, the soldier
cut down in the field. They d wonder why he d saved his skin and
faced a half life afterward, rather than take the shell like the others.
He wasn t nearly strong enough to live with that, no matter how
well meaning they and his family might be.
Rafe sighed. In the next second, a warm weight settled on
Sullivan s shoulder, fingers folding over his tense muscle to
squeeze in reassurance.
 I m sorry, Rafe said.  I m tired, and I m still confused about
you, and Strike is a sore point for me. You shouldn t listen to me.
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 Except you re right. Sullivan kept his head down, hoping it
would spur Rafe to continue the contact a little longer.  I m the
intruder here. I shouldn t judge the way you live, especially since
I m asking to be a part of it.
The pressure began to roll, Rafe slowly massaging the kink out
of Sullivan s tense muscle.  Why? It s different than everything
you ve known. And it s got to be harder for you. People here don t
trust Strike.
He risked a glance up through his lashes.  You do.
 No, I trust you. There s a difference.
Rafe was the second person tonight to ask him why he was
staying. He d held back the whole truth from Luther, but doing it
here, in the soft ambient light, beneath the solid grip of Rafe s
hand, he couldn t do it.
He wouldn t.
 I ve only wanted one thing since walking away, he said.
 And that was to find you. I don t know why. My head s not the
same it used to be, for good or for bad. But now that I m here, now
that I ve met you, leaving seems like the worst thing I could ever
do.
The silence that wrapped around them was different than
before, as much of a sentient being with mercurial moods as either
he or Rafe. It didn t condemn Sullivan for his confession, or turn
him away, but it wasn t quite the more buoyant teasing before
Sullivan had belittled Rafe s way of life. This no-man s-land in
between should have felt more familiar than it did. Hadn t he
walked in paths removed from both ends of the perimeter norm for
most of his life?
 I can t figure you out, Rafe said.  And it s not just not
knowing what you re doing here. You re just not like any Strike
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soldier I ve ever known, and I can t decide if that s because you
really aren t, or I ve changed so much since I left that what I
remember doesn t have any more value.
 How old were you when you left?
Rafe didn t shy away from the question.  Eleven. And then,
 We lived in Miami.
It was a gift, getting the additional detail. Sullivan gave him a
tight, grateful smile.  Thank you for telling me.
The hand on his shoulder dropped, but its absence didn t chill
him as much as he would have expected. Rafe stayed where he
was, their legs brushing against the other s, and that, as much as
the more direct contact, heartened his hope the balance between
them had been restored.
 Nobody knows, Rafe said.  Mama never told anyone when
we got here, and nobody really pressed. She said we came from
somewhere near the southern borders, and everyone just accepted
it.
 They brought you into the fold.
 Yeah. They do that.
Luther s insistence at bringing him back to Chadwick appeared
different in that context, but Sullivan still said,  It won t be that
easy for me.
 No, probably not. When his gaze shifted away from
Sullivan s, it went straight to the scar etched along the side of his
skull.  It ll help when your hair grows back. It won t be so much
of a reminder.
Suddenly self-conscious, Sullivan ran his hand over his scalp,
the sharp stubble prickling over his palm.  I wish it grew faster.
It s taking longer than I thought it would for the shit to get out of
my system.
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CANCER: PENNY CANDLES
Rafe frowned.  What are you talking about?
Talking about anything related to Strike to anyone who wasn t
connected to Strike was strictly forbidden. No missions, nothing
about training, certainly nothing about methods they utilized to
maintain the most elite private army in the world. Even among
soldiers, though, discretion was everything. Sullivan had existed in
a world of closed mouths, a façade that had been frighteningly easy
to maintain, so his first instinct was to change the subject or
provide a non-answer.
But he d provided the first detail without hesitation, like it was
the most natural thing in the world to share it with Rafe. And he
wanted to do it again.
 Enhancement injections. Things to make you work better. We
got them quarterly, or as close to that if we re out in the field.
 They drugged you?
The disdain in his voice was worse than the surprise.  It
helped. Honest. Like with hair growth. Something in it stopped it
from growing too much, so we didn t have to worry about shaving
or getting it cut. We could concentrate on doing the job.
 What else did it do?
 Helped us not get sick, helped us get by without as much
sleep. They sounded innocuous enough to him.  That kind of
thing.
 When was the last time you had an injection?
 Before the bomb. I would have had one in London if I hadn t
failed their tests.
Rafe tilted his head, more deliberately staring at Sullivan s
scar, a frown drawing his brows into a hard, dark line.  With
medicine like that, they should have been able to do more for you.
Sullivan didn t disagree.  It doesn t hurt or bother me, he said.
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CANCER: PENNY CANDLES
 Once my hair grows back, I ll probably even forget it s there.
 You really think you can forget getting blown up?
He smiled.  I m going to do my damnedest to try.
The bluntness of his response finally softened the lines on
Rafe s face, though his attention remained riveted on the scar.
 Our doctor won t be able to do much for you if something goes
seriously wrong. Medicine is very basic here.
 I don t even get very many headaches anymore, Sullivan
said.  I m sure I ll be fine.
A derisive snort escaped Rafe s throat. He began to reach out,
but when his hand hovered in front of Sullivan s shoulder, he
paused.  Do you mind if I touch it?
Though he couldn t imagine why, it didn t even cross his mind
to say no. His approval came as a turn of his head, to the side,
tilting down, offering the scar up for whatever Rafe wanted to see.
He was tempted to close his eyes, but he couldn t miss each
shimmer of movement, the reach of an arm as fingers disappeared
from view.
The first touch was a feather above his ear, like he d
accidentally brushed against a wispy leaf. His breath caught. A
surge of heat blazed ahead of Rafe s fingers, racing to Sullivan s [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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