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27
Kate Sherwood
the real words. But he didn t feel like there was any real hurry. He and Mike had all the
time in the world.
He blew the whistle to end the practice and sent the kids off the ice.  Connor, he
said softly as his captain skated by, head hanging low.  My office after you re dressed,
okay?
Jason wouldn t have thought the kid could look any more miserable, but apparently
there was a way. Damn. There was definitely something going on. He resisted the urge
to look up to find Mike in the stands and followed the team off the ice and down the
long corridor.
One of his assistant coaches came in to discuss some line changes for the next game,
and there were tapes to watch and analyze, but Jason let it all go when Connor came in.
The assistant took the cue and gave Connor a friendly slap on the shoulder as they
traded places, Connor taking the chair across from Jason, the assistant heading out into
the hall and shutting the door behind him.
 Hi, Connor, Jason started. He was always a little lost with this stuff. Things on the
ice made sense, but everything was trickier in the real world.  Look, Connor& you
know why you re here. You re not yourself lately. You re dragging. And I don t like
what that s doing to the team. Connor nodded quickly, accepting full responsibility as
usual, but Jason wasn t done yet.  But what I really don t like is worrying about what s
causing it. Worrying about you. He leaned back in his chair. The kid still wasn t really
looking at him.
 Hey, Connor? Jason waited, but there was no eye contact.  Connor, he said
more firmly, and finally the kid looked up. Jason held his eyes, waited a moment, then
said,  Screw hockey, Connor. Jason almost smiled at the shock in the kid s eyes. He
supposed his words were something like a priest telling a parishioner to turn his back
on God.  I mean it. It s just a game. It s a great game and I love it, but it s not all there is.
There s more to life than just hockey, Connor.
Connor looked almost afraid, and Jason wasn t sure how to continue. He decided to
go for full honesty.  I say that because I don t think there s a damn thing wrong with
your game, but there s obviously still something wrong. So maybe it s not something I
can help you with, but maybe I can find someone who can help you, if you need help.
Or maybe you just need to talk something out. I don t know. This isn t my strong suit,
Connor, but I want you to know I care and that I d really like to help.
Connor shook his head.  Not with this. You don t want to help with this.
 I m pretty sure I do, kid.
 No. You ll hate me. He wasn t defiant, just defeated, and it almost broke Jason s
heart.
 Jesus, Connor. I can honestly say that there s not a thing I can think of that would
make me hate you. I mean, even if, I don t know& even if you killed somebody. I d
have a serious problem with it and I d be pretty damn concerned and disappointed, but
I wouldn t hate you, kid. So& have you killed somebody?
28
Home Ice
Connor waited too long, but finally shook his head.  No.
Jason let the pause go for quite a while before saying,  So here s what I know.
About a week ago, you were normal. And then something happened, I guess, and now
you re sad. Seriously, kid are you talking to anybody about whatever this is? Parents?
Teachers or counselors or whatever? Girlfriend? And there it was, that tiny jerk of
Connor s head on the last word and Jason s gut tightened.  Boyfriend? he asked, his
voice quiet.
Connor s head shot up, his eyes wide, and Jason raised his hands quickly, holding
them up as if to show that he was unarmed.  It s okay, kid. Jesus. It s okay.
 No, it s not, Connor hissed.
Jason was, again or still, totally lost. But he couldn t walk away now.  Why not?
What s wrong?
Connor looked up with a near-snarl on his face.  What are you talking about? You
said  boyfriend . You know what I am.
 Gay? It was apparently easier to use the word in reference to somebody else.  If
you are, that s fine. And if you aren t, or you maybe are, or you re trying something out
just to see& that s all fine too. Seriously, kid. Jason tried a smile.  Remember when I
said that there s more to life than hockey? Well, here s the real secret, Connor. There s
more to life than sex too. There s more to life than every damn thing, because life is
huge. And pretty damn great.
He caught himself before he let his own happiness become obnoxious.  And pretty
damn terrible sometimes too. Connor was at least looking at him, at least listening, and
Jason wished he had something better to say.  But this didn t just all occur to you
overnight. What happened last week? What set this off?
Connor looked away from Jason and down toward his own hands. There were tears
in his eyes when he looked back up and whispered,  My dad caught us.
 Fuck. Jason didn t usually drop the F-bomb in front of the players, but this one
seemed justified. Connor s dad was one of the most hockey-driven, crazily ambitious
hockey parents on the team. He was completely supportive of anything that seemed
likely to improve Connor s chances of getting to the NHL and completely hostile
toward anything that might become a distraction, or that broke the expected pattern of
behavior. Jason tried to focus his reaction into something useful.  What d he say?
Connor took a deep breath.  He kicked Andrew the guy my boyfriend or
whatever my dad kicked him out of the house. Like, almost threw him out. I don t
think he was going to give him a chance to get dressed, until he realized that the
neighbors might see. Might start wondering why there was a naked teenage boy on our
front lawn. Jason wasn t used to hearing this bitter tone from Connor and he really
wanted to never hear it again.
But he felt like he needed a few more details.  And what did he say to you?
Connor shrugged, and looked back down at his hands.  He swore at me. And he
broke some of my stuff. My cell phone, my computer. But then the next day he said I
29
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